[Being told that Clint wasn't going to forgive him, feels like a kick to the face. Loki winces and a few reeling seconds later, the statement hits his heart, too, causing him to grimace. Why did he always get his hopes up? SENTIMENT! Such sentiment. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have tried. I shouldn't have cared. I shouldn't be having this conversation...]
[The sound of his own breathing jars Loki back to reality. He looks angry, intimidated and slightly crazed. The flashback had been bad enough, without the guilt, shame, rage and feelings of threat.]
[And ohhh he knew that? He knew that, did he? What in the blasted nine did Hawkeye think he was rattling on about, if he'd known that he wouldn't be forgiven?!?!?!? It was one thing not to go off on a person he'd been used against, but this--?! Jumping up and down on the blisters by telling him that there was some way to just know??? Because it was just some impossible thing to ever...?]
[He turns away, panting. He won't think of it as sobbing, because that grates on his pride, too much. But Hawkeye's not going to be allowed to see this. The pain or the rage. Loki wants to protect him from the latter, and is ashamed of the former.]
[Heimdall had said he shouldn't try. Shouldn't try to explain or make it up to them. That he should leave them to live out their lives and die, never knowing his intentions. Because as unfair as that was for everyone, having to rehash everything constantly would be so much worse. AND DAMN HIS OWN WEAK AND SOFT HEART!!!! What was he here for? What had he done, instead? Always reaching; reaching like some infant towards them, and for what?! Honesty? From the Liesmith? Closure? They thought they already had that; his closure wasn't their business.]
[He manages to get the sobs under control, but not the shaking. He listens carefully to the rest of what Hawkeye has to say, and he feels so, so strongly that he needs an illusory form right now. It feels like masochism not to use one. But this was the wound he owed them.]
[There's a long pause after Clint is done speaking. Loki listens to his own heartbeat in his ears, trying to find words.] If you cannot forgive me... if you consider me so low... then why put yourself through hearing my philosophy? I can leave.
[At that, he turns back. His jaw is hardened, the cheeks drawn backward in what might seem like ire, but those who know him would recognize that the muscles in his neck and cheekbones are also indicating shame. His eyes, above the tears, burn with directness, but not in a threatening way. It almost seems like protectiveness or duty or boundaries, the way they're trained on Clint without any animosity and yet so much detachment.]
no subject
[The sound of his own breathing jars Loki back to reality. He looks angry, intimidated and slightly crazed. The flashback had been bad enough, without the guilt, shame, rage and feelings of threat.]
[And ohhh he knew that? He knew that, did he? What in the blasted nine did Hawkeye think he was rattling on about, if he'd known that he wouldn't be forgiven?!?!?!? It was one thing not to go off on a person he'd been used against, but this--?! Jumping up and down on the blisters by telling him that there was some way to just know??? Because it was just some impossible thing to ever...?]
[He turns away, panting. He won't think of it as sobbing, because that grates on his pride, too much. But Hawkeye's not going to be allowed to see this. The pain or the rage. Loki wants to protect him from the latter, and is ashamed of the former.]
[Heimdall had said he shouldn't try. Shouldn't try to explain or make it up to them. That he should leave them to live out their lives and die, never knowing his intentions. Because as unfair as that was for everyone, having to rehash everything constantly would be so much worse. AND DAMN HIS OWN WEAK AND SOFT HEART!!!! What was he here for? What had he done, instead? Always reaching; reaching like some infant towards them, and for what?! Honesty? From the Liesmith? Closure? They thought they already had that; his closure wasn't their business.]
[He manages to get the sobs under control, but not the shaking. He listens carefully to the rest of what Hawkeye has to say, and he feels so, so strongly that he needs an illusory form right now. It feels like masochism not to use one. But this was the wound he owed them.]
[There's a long pause after Clint is done speaking. Loki listens to his own heartbeat in his ears, trying to find words.] If you cannot forgive me... if you consider me so low... then why put yourself through hearing my philosophy? I can leave.
[At that, he turns back. His jaw is hardened, the cheeks drawn backward in what might seem like ire, but those who know him would recognize that the muscles in his neck and cheekbones are also indicating shame. His eyes, above the tears, burn with directness, but not in a threatening way. It almost seems like protectiveness or duty or boundaries, the way they're trained on Clint without any animosity and yet so much detachment.]