[In the state that Loki's in, Hawkeye's anger is piercing. He staggers backwards, again managing to look very small. Very young, even without his illusions. The following rant is something he just cannot take hearing, and Loki again turns his back, shaking, dazed and thinking. Being told he looked like a mess, would normally dredge up anger. But Loki is honestly just so emotionally compromised right now, that it's like he's back on Sanctuary, being tortured. Hawkeye's right; he knows he needs to reign himself back in.]
[Turned away as he is, he lets the tears fall. Just a short reprieve; nothing like the sobbing or flopping or punching that he's sure will need to happen later. Just enough to have let it out, in order to be present. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here... He couldn't even cut himself off from the emotions, because Hawkeye deserved better. Somehow it had come to this. Again. Somehow it so often came down to exactly the pain that Heimdall had tried to warn him away from.]
[Some part of himself was still letting go of that spear. Still curled up on the ground of an asteroid under an endless periwinkle sky. Flashbacks. They were distracting him, he realized. Causing changes to his behavior. He tried to focus on the ground beneath him, now. On the smells and sights of this place. Again, just a short reprieve. Hawkeye deserved the best that Loki could offer. Norns, this duty was destroying him.]
[Humiliated at both what's about to come to pass, and that he'd earned Clint's anger for trying to dodge it, a sob escapes him. It's very quickly stifled into his hand. Loki breathes deep, unsure how to face it all. How to even just turn back to face Hawkeye. Maybe if he only numbed himself a little? Just enough to speak his truths, then... then leave and let himself feel it? Something had to change. He couldn't do this, and was making Clint angry. He was worsening the wounds he wanted to heal. Something had to give.]
[It was shameful that he couldn't give them what he'd set out to give them. But he wasn't capable. He'd tried so hard. You cannot be that monster if you reject it so, as other-himself had said to him once. Sometimes promises fall through, Loki thought. What's a little more shame, really, on top of all of this? He wasn't allowed to run. He had to answer.]
[When he turns back, it will be very clear that he's deeply humiliated and defensive about it. He fidgets, but keeps his eyes on Clint.] I apologize.
[Every word. Every single word felt like it was going to make his face melt off with shame. Even partially numbed like this. But they would have their answers. Loki knew what he had to do.]
I feel a debt... to you in particular. [Stab me with that if you will...] I saw my pain in you. That thing had both of us at the same time. Our minds were connected.
[The next comes out in a slight moan that he hadn't intended.] You can hate me, and I don't consider you weak for being hurt. I-I-I just... don't know... how you expect me to not care.
Even after-- [And his throat closes. Come on. On with it! My face will never cease hurting, will it? It's probably turning all new shades of purple.] I pretended not to care.
I'm not-- [Oh lovely; back to the tears again.] asking for anything. Whatever you think I want you to say or... or feel.
I just keep reaching out. I know it... doesn't usually help. But sometimes... sometimes I can help.
no subject
[Turned away as he is, he lets the tears fall. Just a short reprieve; nothing like the sobbing or flopping or punching that he's sure will need to happen later. Just enough to have let it out, in order to be present. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here... He couldn't even cut himself off from the emotions, because Hawkeye deserved better. Somehow it had come to this. Again. Somehow it so often came down to exactly the pain that Heimdall had tried to warn him away from.]
[Some part of himself was still letting go of that spear. Still curled up on the ground of an asteroid under an endless periwinkle sky. Flashbacks. They were distracting him, he realized. Causing changes to his behavior. He tried to focus on the ground beneath him, now. On the smells and sights of this place. Again, just a short reprieve. Hawkeye deserved the best that Loki could offer. Norns, this duty was destroying him.]
[Humiliated at both what's about to come to pass, and that he'd earned Clint's anger for trying to dodge it, a sob escapes him. It's very quickly stifled into his hand. Loki breathes deep, unsure how to face it all. How to even just turn back to face Hawkeye. Maybe if he only numbed himself a little? Just enough to speak his truths, then... then leave and let himself feel it? Something had to change. He couldn't do this, and was making Clint angry. He was worsening the wounds he wanted to heal. Something had to give.]
[It was shameful that he couldn't give them what he'd set out to give them. But he wasn't capable. He'd tried so hard. You cannot be that monster if you reject it so, as other-himself had said to him once. Sometimes promises fall through, Loki thought. What's a little more shame, really, on top of all of this? He wasn't allowed to run. He had to answer.]
[When he turns back, it will be very clear that he's deeply humiliated and defensive about it. He fidgets, but keeps his eyes on Clint.] I apologize.
[Every word. Every single word felt like it was going to make his face melt off with shame. Even partially numbed like this. But they would have their answers. Loki knew what he had to do.]
I feel a debt... to you in particular. [Stab me with that if you will...] I saw my pain in you. That thing had both of us at the same time. Our minds were connected.
[The next comes out in a slight moan that he hadn't intended.] You can hate me, and I don't consider you weak for being hurt. I-I-I just... don't know... how you expect me to not care.
Even after-- [And his throat closes. Come on. On with it! My face will never cease hurting, will it? It's probably turning all new shades of purple.] I pretended not to care.
I'm not-- [Oh lovely; back to the tears again.] asking for anything. Whatever you think I want you to say or... or feel.
I just keep reaching out. I know it... doesn't usually help. But sometimes... sometimes I can help.