[There is usually something tremendously wrong with any version of Loki, really, but this one's seen a bit more suffering than some of his alternates. He glances back over his shoulder when he hears Hawkeye moving, and is stunned to find that they're both sitting, before Loki turns back to face away from him once more. Loki knows he must look insane, and he feels so much worse than he's letting himself appear. He's just so glad that Clint isn't angry about his ridiculous outburst.]
[There might be a lot of people in Clint's universe who could defend Midgard, but they weren't Loki's friends. His debt, his meaning, his sanity. The mage really isn't certain when they became all of that. Slowly, gradually, they'd become one of the few sureties he could trust in the universe. To hear of them falling apart like this in another timeline... it couldn't happen.]
[Even when he'd purposely enraged them, he'd known that the Avengers were the ones to enrage, first. He'd looked at his options and they were the fastest, most ethical, versatile way, both to fight and to make an impression that warned others of the oncoming danger. Clearly Thor had similarly considered them worth joining, rather than any other groups on Midgard. Having seen his fair share of it, Loki didn't trust money or power or traditional roles. Midgard needed people who were just good, without restriction.]
[His heart feels sick and throbbing, deep within his chest. Loki regains control over his breathing, but he won't let himself ask which ones are dead, which ones survived. The conversation, as it had been, was already far more than he could take. And now Hawkeye of all people, was having to coddle him like some infant when Loki should be stronger than this.]
I don't. Have-- [He gives a self-effacing little plosive laugh,] my Avengers, if you want to call them that.
I... ran from my own timeline. I spend most of my time in two others. The Avengers I joined... the me of that universe was dead already. Or so they said.
[Quietly, Loki shifted so that they were facing one another again, and crosses his legs beneath himself, as well.] It's easier... to fulfill the debt of someone I was not, but was similar to, [Loki explains.] If I were to return to my universe, Thanos is still there, Odin is still there, and I truly doubt the Avengers would welcome me. It was hard enough, in the universe where we do work together, to gain their trust and friendship. I don't expect it will go over well with the ones I directly... attacked.
And I can't save every Midgard. I see what you mean. But that group was a precious thing, in the universe. So worthwhile that multiple beings from outside your world knew it to be.
I'm sorry. I have experienced... far too much loss. And this discussion was already... an absolute nightmare. Which again. Is my fault.
I'm really not sure it will ever be enough. How many Midgards I have to save before I feel... like it's over. I'm sure I'm not... the only person in the group who wouldn't really... ever feel right, if it was all just over. Bucky and Tasha and Wanda and Strange, we... We're not like the others. We need this. To prove who we are. Who we were.
It's not-- just that our friends are dead, and it... shouldn't have had to be you who told me. And it is not just... that I am displeased losing yet another component of self-definition. That's okay; by this point, I've learned to replace them easily enough. Life goes on. We adapt.
I meant it. Without a group like that... ethical, unaffiliated, unpaid, instant, answering to no one, until later when they must answer to every nation on your world... then your planet becomes predictable. Open to systemic corruptions and too slow to adequately face another threat like Thanos. It's not enough that they do good separately. That group... for all of its ridiculous flaws and failures, it was so worth it. You can't let it die. I can't let it die.
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[There is usually something tremendously wrong with any version of Loki, really, but this one's seen a bit more suffering than some of his alternates. He glances back over his shoulder when he hears Hawkeye moving, and is stunned to find that they're both sitting, before Loki turns back to face away from him once more. Loki knows he must look insane, and he feels so much worse than he's letting himself appear. He's just so glad that Clint isn't angry about his ridiculous outburst.]
[There might be a lot of people in Clint's universe who could defend Midgard, but they weren't Loki's friends. His debt, his meaning, his sanity. The mage really isn't certain when they became all of that. Slowly, gradually, they'd become one of the few sureties he could trust in the universe. To hear of them falling apart like this in another timeline... it couldn't happen.]
[Even when he'd purposely enraged them, he'd known that the Avengers were the ones to enrage, first. He'd looked at his options and they were the fastest, most ethical, versatile way, both to fight and to make an impression that warned others of the oncoming danger. Clearly Thor had similarly considered them worth joining, rather than any other groups on Midgard. Having seen his fair share of it, Loki didn't trust money or power or traditional roles. Midgard needed people who were just good, without restriction.]
[His heart feels sick and throbbing, deep within his chest. Loki regains control over his breathing, but he won't let himself ask which ones are dead, which ones survived. The conversation, as it had been, was already far more than he could take. And now Hawkeye of all people, was having to coddle him like some infant when Loki should be stronger than this.]
I don't. Have-- [He gives a self-effacing little plosive laugh,] my Avengers, if you want to call them that.
I... ran from my own timeline. I spend most of my time in two others. The Avengers I joined... the me of that universe was dead already. Or so they said.
[Quietly, Loki shifted so that they were facing one another again, and crosses his legs beneath himself, as well.] It's easier... to fulfill the debt of someone I was not, but was similar to, [Loki explains.] If I were to return to my universe, Thanos is still there, Odin is still there, and I truly doubt the Avengers would welcome me. It was hard enough, in the universe where we do work together, to gain their trust and friendship. I don't expect it will go over well with the ones I directly... attacked.
And I can't save every Midgard. I see what you mean. But that group was a precious thing, in the universe. So worthwhile that multiple beings from outside your world knew it to be.
I'm sorry. I have experienced... far too much loss. And this discussion was already... an absolute nightmare. Which again. Is my fault.
I'm really not sure it will ever be enough. How many Midgards I have to save before I feel... like it's over. I'm sure I'm not... the only person in the group who wouldn't really... ever feel right, if it was all just over. Bucky and Tasha and Wanda and Strange, we... We're not like the others. We need this. To prove who we are. Who we were.
It's not-- just that our friends are dead, and it... shouldn't have had to be you who told me. And it is not just... that I am displeased losing yet another component of self-definition. That's okay; by this point, I've learned to replace them easily enough. Life goes on. We adapt.
I meant it. Without a group like that... ethical, unaffiliated, unpaid, instant, answering to no one, until later when they must answer to every nation on your world... then your planet becomes predictable. Open to systemic corruptions and too slow to adequately face another threat like Thanos. It's not enough that they do good separately. That group... for all of its ridiculous flaws and failures, it was so worth it. You can't let it die. I can't let it die.