[ It's not that Okuyasu's dumb, not that he entirely believes or understands that himself. It's that he just lets his heart lead where he's going to direct his head, thinks with emotions first, and so sometimes he's at risk of spending all his energy on something that's not even in the right direction at all. It's a form of sabotage he doesn't fully recognize yet.
Right now, Okuyasu is angry, sure, but that's cooling and congealing into something a lot less defensive and appealing. He's mostly scared and hurt and he's so used to letting those scab over into rage that he almost can't recognize his own emotions for what they are anymore, either. Most of his life has been being encouraged to stay blind, and now even when he tries to open his eyes, it's hard to see.
He clings to each of Nishiki's words and he can tell they're veiling something else behind them, can see the shape, but can't make out much more than that. It's embarrassing, frustrating, a little frightening.
He tries anyway, heart thundering away still, hands going from fists to loose at his sides, more antsy than furious by now. ] I know that, like...hurting people feels good. Like, people wouldn't do it if it didn't get shit done, right? Dead people can't hurt you the same way anymore once they're dead. [ They can still hurt, though. It's just different once it's not their literal voice doing the hurting. ]
I got complicated feelings on that shit too, but like... You sound like you get that it's wrong, right? And that it's hurting you, too? Why don't you run away? Maybe we-- you-- maybe you could go somewhere they can't find you. [ And here, Okuyasu is aware he must start sounding stupid, if he hadn't already. He gets what he thinks is being said - that being in a gang, killing dangerous people, probably kinda feels good even while it's a bad thing - but then his heart can't help but shove him towards...
This. Just get rid of the problem. Just run. Underneath his skin, The Hand aches, ready to rip things right out of reality itself just so Okuyasu doesn't have to deal with that shit anymore. He could get back in that elevator and shove every single person in that building into wherever it is The Hand throws things, assuming no one shot at him faster than The Hand could absorb it...
And all of those thoughts are just because Okuyasu's starting to feel the chill of the outside and the exhaustion of a late night, and he's scared of losing what he thought he'd had with the first father figure he's ever found who's never laid a hand on him. ]
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Right now, Okuyasu is angry, sure, but that's cooling and congealing into something a lot less defensive and appealing. He's mostly scared and hurt and he's so used to letting those scab over into rage that he almost can't recognize his own emotions for what they are anymore, either. Most of his life has been being encouraged to stay blind, and now even when he tries to open his eyes, it's hard to see.
He clings to each of Nishiki's words and he can tell they're veiling something else behind them, can see the shape, but can't make out much more than that. It's embarrassing, frustrating, a little frightening.
He tries anyway, heart thundering away still, hands going from fists to loose at his sides, more antsy than furious by now. ] I know that, like...hurting people feels good. Like, people wouldn't do it if it didn't get shit done, right? Dead people can't hurt you the same way anymore once they're dead. [ They can still hurt, though. It's just different once it's not their literal voice doing the hurting. ]
I got complicated feelings on that shit too, but like... You sound like you get that it's wrong, right? And that it's hurting you, too? Why don't you run away? Maybe we-- you-- maybe you could go somewhere they can't find you. [ And here, Okuyasu is aware he must start sounding stupid, if he hadn't already. He gets what he thinks is being said - that being in a gang, killing dangerous people, probably kinda feels good even while it's a bad thing - but then his heart can't help but shove him towards...
This. Just get rid of the problem. Just run. Underneath his skin, The Hand aches, ready to rip things right out of reality itself just so Okuyasu doesn't have to deal with that shit anymore. He could get back in that elevator and shove every single person in that building into wherever it is The Hand throws things, assuming no one shot at him faster than The Hand could absorb it...
And all of those thoughts are just because Okuyasu's starting to feel the chill of the outside and the exhaustion of a late night, and he's scared of losing what he thought he'd had with the first father figure he's ever found who's never laid a hand on him. ]