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toplvl2020-10-10 07:38 pm
make amends
make amends
Remember that terrible shit you did? Time to make it right. Ish.
Top Level with the start of your apology(ies). Public or private. In person or over txt.
Well That Was Awkward ↦ Maybe you’re nervous. Awe struck. Tongue tied. Just a little socially awkward. Whatever. This is going to be bumpy.
Total Catastrophe ↦ You fucked up so hard with this one there might not be any coming back from it.
Not Again ↦ You know this wasn’t the first time. This is kind of your MO.
Sorry Not Sorry ↦ Maybe you’re prideful. Maybe you really aren’t to blame. Either way, this only debatably qualifies as an apology at all.
Wildcard ↦ You know what you did.
Comment to see where their sorry song goes. Maybe it’s an apology you didn’t know you had coming, maybe it’s long overdue, completely unnecessary or anything else. Whether or not you’re feeling forgiving is up to you.
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[He shrugs. Stan's not there, and the thought of him still presses down, heavy, on Richie's heart.]
Everyone's too okay with walking right into the fucking hell house that tried to kill us once before. [Is still trying to kill them, in fact. He squeezes Eddie's shoulder tightly, reluctant to let go. You would think 27 years without even thinking about him would've killed this crush, but the second he saw Eddie Kaspbrak again, the torch he'd been carrying had come roaring back to life.
Or maybe it had never really gone out, if he looks at his track record of guys.]
Treasure it, we'll be back to your regularly-scheduled crap-ass jokes in a while. [He wants to step in closer, press his forehead against Eddie's, tell him the truth. I love you. I always have.] Welcome. Listen...you stayed. Okay? You panicked, but you stayed. No matter what Mike or Bill say, you didn't need to stick around after that shitshow, but you did. You're braver than you think.
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The words hit Eddie in the chest like a fist. The fist clenches around his heart, forcing his attention on a single thing. Eddie Kaspbrak is many things: boring, high-strung, small in every way. He's not one that stands out, let alone in a brave way. Those kind of heroics are best left for the movies. And Big Bill.
He closes his eyes and nods, doing his best to accept what's being told to him when it conflicts with what he's always told himself. Eddie once again opens his eyes and looks up. He searches Richie's face, unsure of what he's looking for or what he will find.]
I have to ask... if our situations were reversed... would you expect me to be upset with you?
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For all that Richie truly does not blame Eddie for freezing up when he did, if their roles were reversed and Richie was the one who froze like a deer in the headlights, Richie would brace himself for everyone to be upset and disappointed, including Eddie. He holds himself to a very different standard from everyone else he knows, for all that he plays it off like a joke.]
Little bit, yeah? [he hedges with a shrug.] I'd at least expect like, your most disappointed face. Like, Richie fuckin' Tozier, don't you know how to squash a goddamn spider, or something like that, and then I'd have to tell you that I have people for killing spiders now.
[And there he goes, couching the sincerity in a light joke.]
What, do you want me to be upset with you for reacting like a normal person?
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You saying everything was, is, okay just came so easily. Nothing is easy for me, ever.
But you. You can handle things not going according to plan. And change. And my [he lifts his hands on either side of his head, waving them at the wrists to indicate a flurry of buzzing thoughts] everything.
[Eddie drops his hands to allow his body to go limp and further lean into Richie. He's tired, so tired.]
I want things to be okay. For you to be okay, and quite honestly and maybe selfishly, not pissed at me. [You're babbling now, Eds, get to the point.] I just don't know how to let things be what you say they are. You're safe, we're all safe, and I still can't forgive myself. I feel like I still need to do something.
So let me do something for you, man. I don't care what it is, ask me to grab you a napkin for all I care. But as far as I see it I owe you a debt until it's paid.
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[Credit Richie honestly isn't sure he deserves. There are things he cannot handle, and if change means he has to tell the truth then he's not completely sure he can handle it. Not half so well as Eddie seems to think he is. But when Eddie leans into him, Richie's arms come up to wrap loosely around him, like when they were kids.
His heart beats faster. That has not changed in 27 years.]
I am okay. Trust me, if I get pissed at you, you'll know. [I love you too much, you owe me nothing, all I want is this, is you right here with me, that's it, that's all—]
I want it on the record that I personally don't think you owe me shit, as far as I'm concerned, but I'm still gonna take full advantage of this carte blanche you've just handed me. [He pauses.] I—You know, every time I go to New York [and he pronounces it with a brief accent, New Yoik] I keep getting lost looking for this one bagel shop that sells really good cinnamon-raisin bagels? You know the city better than I do, be my tour guide.
[It's honestly relatively minor, something Richie could easily resolve by just plugging the shop's name into Google Maps. But in truth he doesn't care about the bagels, only Eddie's company. He wants to spend as much time as possible in the same city as he is, in the same space, but he can't come right out and say it, because when you've been hiding as long as he has, there comes a point in time when the hiding comes much easier than stepping out into the light.
It's pathetic and it's sad and Richie knows it, but he still can't help it.]
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Eddie lifts his own arms to return the hug, circling Richie tentatively. It's been difficult to accept anything good, but if he's forced to acknowledge the present physically then maybe the rest will fall into place. With a weary sigh Eddie drops his forehead onto Richie's chest, and when he speaks it's as if directly to his friend's shirt rather than the wearer himself.]
I'm gonna need more to go on than "that one bagel shop", dumbass.
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[Eddie is hugging him back. It's been so long since the last time they did this, the last time they hugged, that Richie can't help but tighten his grip a little, lean in a little more. One hand drifts up to gently rest over the back of Eddie's neck, and that's pushing it already, pushing the boundaries of their friendship. If Richie pushes any further it might break, so he won't. He won't.
But god does he want to.]
You don't owe me anything. You never have. Long as you're around, shit, I'm as happy as the day your mom married me. [Aaaaand there it is. He laughs a little at his own dumb mom joke, clearly satisfied with himself.] But seriously, I'm just—I'm glad you're here.
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I was wondering when she'd finally make an honest man out of you. It's about time.
[This is nice, normal. Bantering like they used to with the worries slipping away. Richie had always had that effect on him. Even in their most heated moments the world shrank into something manageable when the two were in each other's company. If Eddie was braver than he knew, then knowing he had a consistently loyal friend by his side certainly didn't hurt.]
When we're done here I'd like to take you up on that tour. Would you have time in your schedule for a visit or am I going to have to book an appointment with your people?
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[Richie huffs out a breath, shakes his head. In all honesty, the question of his career is kind of up in the air now, what with bombing onstage and then up and running off to Derry with barely a word of notice. He deliberately has not been answering his manager's voicemails, has even turned his phone off for the time being, and he's not looking forward to turning it back on and being blasted with some very irate voicemails.
Still.]
Yeah, well, I cancelled all the shows I had coming up, so my schedule's free and clear. I can come hang out any time.
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[The offer is blurted out quickly before remembering that he has another person he needs to consult with first. Still, after everything he's been through, a visit from a friend seems like a small concession.]
I'm sure Myra wouldn't mind. [That can't be guaranteed.] You could stay with us.