toplvl | you don't know me

Yeah, ain't pleasant. Had a teacher who'd do it on accident all the time in secondary, and we hated her class cause you just never knew when it'd happen next.

( pausing, he gave a nod in thanks for his next drink as it was set down before looking to matt again, turning to face him instinctively. )

Guess it'd depend on what you think is good looking. I know I've got looks; used to turn heads at the dance hall when I walked in. Just. It's different, I guess. When people say it the way they do now like I don't have PTSD.

I guess that's the hard part of being attractive and having a history. People don't want the messy parts of it. Just the pretty ones. Which all depends on what they're looking for.

[He sipped his drink, leaning a little on the bar towards Bucky, smiling.]

So you sound like the equivalent of a chocolate liqueur and you look like you'd taste good. So what exactly is a guy like you looking for in... well, anything? Permanent partner? Casual fling?

( instinctively, he leaned closer as well, a practiced gesture from his youth. the proximity or intimate nature of what matt asks doesn't seem to stir anything aside from a plain answer. )

I don't do flings. Can't, I mean. With the arm. People talk. And it's. I'm still a weapon, so. ( voice lowering, almost shamefully. ) I can hurt people on accident, and. If I can even do that, what's the point?

( his voice shifts, volume returning to normal as a tinge of defensiveness sets in. )

I tried the online dating thing? For a bit. Just to see if. Well, if anything could stick. Maybe I'm just not. Not a good fit anymore. If it was just looks and my voice, maybe that'd be okay. But I'm not. And there's. Too much other stuff people don't want or care for. Or really want to know. Care enough to know.

Right. The arm. I hadn't noticed.

[He had, but not in the way that most people would. He'd felt a lack of blood flow, the whir of quiet mechanics, but aside from that, Bucky was just a man sitting in front of him, unburdening himself.]

I think you've been trying to fit with the wrong people. Not everyone can date someone with history and baggage. Besides- [Matt sipped his drink again, then licked his lips and smiled.] -I'm asking because I'd like to know.

( the arm was what they talked about most, when people talked about the winter soldier. that and the jokes about his having a robodick that he never had or will have. )

I was looking for any people, really. But. That's true, too, I guess. What. What do you wanna know?

[Matt's answer was easy, and paired with another smile.]

What do you feel comfortable telling me?

[He was a lawyer, Bucky. He verbally sparred for a living.]

( the smile disarmed, and there wasn't any way matt didn't know that, didn't know how to wield it. but even realizing, bucky decided there was little reason to question. if matt had sinister motives, he'd have realized already. also matt wasn't the sort anyway, from what he knew. )

Most things are fine. It's harder to say what's okay than what isn't. But if anyone asks, I usually tell them. ( his answers were honest, too. people just didn't believe him. ) People just don't usually ask, so. So I also don't know what I should say.

[Matt did not, in fact, know of just how susceptible people were to his smile. He just... smiled. Practicing and honing looks in the mirror weren't exactly something he could do. He was lucky his hair was in order most of the time.]

Well, how about we start with what you're looking for in a partner. Women only, or would you be... amenable to dating a man?

( a mild confusion crossed his face, though he of course realized matt couldn't see it. his voice shifted to match regardless. )

I've only dated women. People do both? Don't people usually just pick one?

( good going with that bi erasure, barnes. )

[He couldn't quite keep the laugh to himself, shaking his head.]

I guess you've never heard the term 'bisexual'? No, Bucky, you don't have to pick just one. Not if you are attracted to both. But only if you're attracted to both. Don't let anyone pressure you otherwise.

( to be fair, he'd heard it in passing once or twice, not really knowing what it meant or bothering to understand why people were talking about it. but even being bright, bucky was certainly still quite dense at times. )

I. Well, no, I wouldn't. I don't think anyone could make me do anything I don't actually want to. ( since he had zero (proverbial) fucks left. ) How would I know, though? I mean. I never. Guys can be attractive, but I never thought about being with one before.

Not like I really could, I guess, without people making life hard.

( which was probably why he never actually thought about it. )

[This could end badly or it could end on a good note, but Matt decided that it was better to put his cards out there. Leaning in a little more, he slid the hand on the bar along it until he lightly ran a finger over Bucky's before he drew it back.]

Maybe you should think about it.

[Oh, he could, Bucky. He could a lot. In a variety of ways. On silk sheets.]

( he watched quizzically, as matt's hand slid over, unclear on his intent until—

suddenly, all the dots connected, why matt invited him out, the things matt had been saying about his voice, his scent, matt literally having asked, and he'd somehow missed all of it. his right hand flew to his mouth both in shock at the realization and feeling absolutely foolish for how long it took him to actually realize. )

Jesus Christ, ( he muttered under his breath angrily at himself. ) God, sorry, I didn't. Fuck, I'm an idiot.

( his head dipped forward in shame, forehead to the surface of the bar, as his hands folded against the back of his head in attempt to bury the bashful heat now blooming against his cheeks and ears. at least matt couldn't really see any of it that he knew of. )

[See it? Nooooo. Hear the blood rushing to the surface of his skin and notice the increase in his temperature? Hell yes. He was trying so hard not to laugh, biting his lip as he sat there, head tipped like a dog's listening for something.]

No, you're not. You've just had a lot on your mind and have a lot to adjust to with your... newfound freedom in a time period you weren't brought into the same way others from your period were. You didn't grow into it. You missed the end of the war, Woodstock, the sexual revolution and mini skirts, the advance of technology...

It's a lot to catch up on and that's not even taking your own personal position into consideration. You're not an idiot, Bucky. You're just overwhelmed. I think- I think maybe people expect you to be more up to speed with everything because of how well Steve adapted. And because you're capable in every other aspect. They don't see the stumbling blocks you have to get over.

[Daring it again, and because it was less flirting and more comforting, Matt reached over and patted Bucky's shoulder.]

It's okay to take your time to adjust.

( with his physiology as well, his body already ran hotter than most, so the spike in both pulse and heat would be phenomenal. remaining curled in defeat, bucky only groaned as matt explained away his own stupidity with logic. it didn't help to be forgiven so easily. he should really have noticed sooner, even if not understood. )

It's. Different. The things we got used to quickly. ( his words remained muffled by his position, but he felt no need to move, particularly with matt's hand against his shoulder. ) HYDRA already had me up to speed with tech, so. A lot of. Modern things were just. Part of who I was already. But I didn't. I guess I never. Steve always was better with ideas and concepts. Liberal arts, or whatever. I'm the science nut, so.

( sighing, his shoulders sank with his resignation, the soldier pulling away to sit upright again after a rough scrub of his gloves to his face. )

It's still weird sometimes seeing women in short shorts. Or seeing anyone's thighs in public.

God, I'm. Old. Don't date me. You need someone younger.

Again, gonna have to take your word on that. All I have are old memories of a nine year old, and I wasn't exactly ogling thighs.

[He sighs. He could imagine it. Could almost see it sometimes, but it was that red outline of people's bodies that he saw. He could, however, read the reaction of others to see if someone around him was attractive or not. Elektra had always owned a room and every pair of male eyes in it, along with a few women's. Currently, there were a lot of eyes cast their way, lingering happily on Bucky, he figured, though he'd been told by Foggy enough times that he was a catch to know it might be both of them.

God, he wasn't telling Foggy any of this. He'd be making up scenarios of how every woman in the place just wanted them to makeout for hot points. He snorted as he thought of that. Foggy. You dummy.

That just brought him back to Bucky's denial and warning, and Matt gave him one of his charming smiles again.]

Oh? Do tell me what I need, Mr. Barnes. I'm all ears.

( the realization still weighed heavy, and that alone was enough to keep him sobered. )

I'm serious. How would we even work? I don't know the first thing about being with a guy, and even less about. Well, anything about the right way to be with someone who's blind. I don't want you to have to always be explaining things I don't get either. You shouldn't have to. You've got enough to do.

( certainly the soldier was handicapped too, having only one real arm and often more comfortable not thinking of the vibranium arm as his, being that it really wasn't, but it was such a different sort of thing than blindness. he struggled enough, worrying about hurting anyone he cared about that could see the arm easily and still flee. he would only pose a greater threat so someone who didn't even realize the possible danger.

of course, he could only assume these things, no one else really being aware of matt's shapes and distorted form of vision. )

I didn't figure you for the type to give up before you tried. And that doesn't really answer the question of if you'd want to try, which is the only one that matters. You've kissed women. I'm sure you've kissed more than a few. So... look at me. Do you like the idea of something like that, or does it make you uncomfortable in a bad way? That's the first step and the first question. Anything else?

[He shrugged, then reached for his drink again.]

Blind people don't have special braille on their genitals. We don't have audio instructions only. I'd say the biggest difference for being with someone blind and someone who isn't is that lingerie is lost on us. Sexy outfits, too. But all the rest? Game on.

( right. figuring out interest was. first. but he did feel rather like an ass for making matt feel othered enough to explain as he had. )

Sorry. I really don't mean anything like that. Just. I'm still a weapon. A dangerous one.

( but he stopped the flow of words to his mouth to actually consider properly what matt posed, the idea of being with a man, kissing him. there had been times when he'd fooled around before, idle things that some men end up doing together sometimes, but they didn't really count the same way, he felt, and so he'd discounted them in his thoughts. were they relevant, then? his not having been repulsed or feeling discomfort over the fact they'd happened? he didn't wonder such things much, already fairly aware of who he was without questioning. that he should now question at all felt strange, and that felt far more unsettling than anything else. he didn't want to be unsure of who he was, didn't like the way it made his stomach turn. )

It doesn't bother me. Thinking about if I did. ( matt was handsome. kind. the latter mattered more. bucky had been through enough already. ) I can't say for sure if I'd like it or not. In my head, it feels like kissing guys probably isn't the same as kissing girls, so it's. A bit hard to imagine.

I can handle dangerous.

[And the thing about that very true statement was, that he liked dangerous. He might not be willing to out and out say it right off the bat, but his favorite relationship was the one that almost killed him. He was drawn to the lost strays and the people that no one else could help. Castle had been hard to get through, but Matt had just kept at it, like a dog with a bone. Different kind of relationship, but considering the man in question, applicable.]

It's not too dissimilar. Women usually moisturize and use more products that make them all silky smooth and soft. Though, there's a lot more metrosexual men and grooming products for the less fair sex lately. The only difference I've found is the facial hair.

[He lifted his hand and brushed at the scruff on his chin and around his mouth. The sound rasped a little out loud.]

Men are... firmer. More of a presence.

[To his senses. Women were fragrances and soft fabric and silk that swished on smooth skin with herbal shampoos and vanilla fragrances. Men were muscle and sweat and musky woodsy scents, sometimes laced with leather and smoke. They were hard in a way that was enticing. He wanted to push back at them, and that just crossed the sexy danger wires in his head, which landed him here.]

Yeah, that's. That's kind of my experience, too. What I feel the difference is.

...was only men in the barracks, during the war. So. And women were always. I mean, I know it's just part of the average, and there will be outliers. But women were usually always. Softer. Pliant. While men would be much more hard set.

( he didn't dislike it either. the thought didn't really cross his mind that he could dislike the differences in either direction. they were just facts about the way things were. )

So. What does that mean? If I don't know if I'd like it.

Well, that depends on if you want to know if you'd like it. Because there's a very obvious solution for that.

[He was giving him his best innocent look, as if he couldn't possibly be thinking about what he was thinking about, which was definitely not but totally was leaning in and kissing the man in front of him.]

( bucky blushed with fervor, shrinking back sheepishly, not out of disdain but at how ridiculous he felt thinking about experimenting as a century-old man. )

I mean. That's. Um. ( he could sense it off of matt, too, the way he wanted which only made more embarrassing. ) M- maybe not. Here.

( a lot of strangers around, after all. he didn't like that, didn't want to let his guard down while others watched. )

[Matt's grin only deepend.]

Well, it's getting dark out. Would you walk a poor blind young whipper snapper home?

[Oh, he was definitely luring the fly into his parlor.]

( bucky huffed, feigned exasperation, but something to save face all the same. )

Do you gotta put it like that? ( but he did polish off the second drink before sliding out of his seat, stepping back so matt had room to come along. )

bad rap

how to play:

sure, he hears that helps blind people uwu

Look at him being so selfless and... that's not your face, Bucky.

LMAO god he'd die of embarrassment if he ever tried that on anyone

Matt will catch him if he swoons. He's got you, bro. /carries him off

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