toplvl | you don't know me

...I don't know if I was going for sounding lovely, but I'll take it. ( he huffs laughter lightly. )

People say I sound bored a lot, too. But I dunno. I think it's got more with how I look, and what they think it means instead of what I'm really saying.

I didn't know how you'd take sexy. You have a very low and interesting voice. I'm intrigued.

People still rely on the book cover and not the book. I think they miss a lot with that attitude.

Well, they also think it's sexy too. The whole brooding thing. Except, y'know, like I said, I'm not. Interesting like how? I mean, I guess I. I have an idea of what that means for looks, but.

If it's not too weird for me to ask, that is. You're right, though. People usually just see or think what they want to and not what's really there. That usually needs patience, and. With the way people rush around New York these days, seems like there's not much to go around.

Cadence. Tenor. You have a pleasant sounding voice, which matters to me for obvious reasons. I'd like to listen to you talk. It's not nasally or screechy.

Patience is a virtue that most people in this city aren't passingly familiar with. Not unless they really need it. But people have a way of surprising you when you think they can't.

Definitely feels rarer, these days. The people that understand virtue, value it. Maybe that's more to do with the population density, though. And I guess less people being religious now. I'm not religious either, anymore, but I do know there are things worth believing in. Fighting for. People included.

That's what I do it all for. The people who don't have anyone else. If I don't, who will?

I'm a Catholic lawyer in Hell's Kitchen. I know about the scarcity of faith. Just because one doesn't go to church doesn't mean you're not religious. It's just... more private.

See, and that is what makes you interesting. That and your voice. And whatever aftershave you're wearing. It suits you.

It was on sale. ( ...cheap stuff. he's not great at the pampering. or reading when a guy is flirting with him, but he's from a different time. )

I. Don't know if I really am, though. Even privately. That feels almost bad to say when I would pray all the time for Steve to make it through the night as a kid, and he would, but. I. I don't know where God could have been at all, after. With. Everything else.

( he says that like anyone would really know beyond the cleaned up pr edition of his past that most can find on wikipedia these days, but that he never talks about it directly unless asked usually says plenty enough. )

It's difficult balancing faith with the world and what's happening in it. More bad things, more bad people. You see the worst of humanity and you can't imagine there's someone that's supposed to be watching over us who cares.

[Matt signalled Josey for another drink, pointing at Bucky to get him one too.]

The best way I manage is to remind myself of the Free Will aspect. He gave us that and we're the ones screwing it up. He can't just come in like some pissed off parent and decide that we ruined His creation and now He's taking it back. We made our bed and now we have to figure out a way to live in it. But... He's there for the people that look for Him, I think. The ones that listen hard enough to hear Him.

[Matt Murdock, the blind theologist, everyone.]

( bucky's never thought hard enough about it (along with many other things), mostly resigned himself in passing. but that's because he's a filthy protestant that didn't have the fear of god beat into him as a child. it's something to think about, regardless, reason to actually brood, but he doesn't know if now's the time for it. the soldier expects matt didn't ask him out for drinks just to realign his faith. )

Was pretty bad at that too, as a kid. Listening for what He wants to say.

( and now as well, not listening to how matt is saying certain things, but he's privileged and has sight so doesn't really realize better either. )

Anyway. People haven't really talked about my voice before. Glad it's not like nails on a chalkboard.

It's not. I've heard actual nails on chalkboard. It should be banned by the Geneva Convention.

[He grinned as his drink was set in front of him. Then he turned to Bucky.]

So this... resting bitch face. I assume it's as good looking as the bored sounding voice?

Yeah, ain't pleasant. Had a teacher who'd do it on accident all the time in secondary, and we hated her class cause you just never knew when it'd happen next.

( pausing, he gave a nod in thanks for his next drink as it was set down before looking to matt again, turning to face him instinctively. )

Guess it'd depend on what you think is good looking. I know I've got looks; used to turn heads at the dance hall when I walked in. Just. It's different, I guess. When people say it the way they do now like I don't have PTSD.

I guess that's the hard part of being attractive and having a history. People don't want the messy parts of it. Just the pretty ones. Which all depends on what they're looking for.

[He sipped his drink, leaning a little on the bar towards Bucky, smiling.]

So you sound like the equivalent of a chocolate liqueur and you look like you'd taste good. So what exactly is a guy like you looking for in... well, anything? Permanent partner? Casual fling?

( instinctively, he leaned closer as well, a practiced gesture from his youth. the proximity or intimate nature of what matt asks doesn't seem to stir anything aside from a plain answer. )

I don't do flings. Can't, I mean. With the arm. People talk. And it's. I'm still a weapon, so. ( voice lowering, almost shamefully. ) I can hurt people on accident, and. If I can even do that, what's the point?

( his voice shifts, volume returning to normal as a tinge of defensiveness sets in. )

I tried the online dating thing? For a bit. Just to see if. Well, if anything could stick. Maybe I'm just not. Not a good fit anymore. If it was just looks and my voice, maybe that'd be okay. But I'm not. And there's. Too much other stuff people don't want or care for. Or really want to know. Care enough to know.

Right. The arm. I hadn't noticed.

[He had, but not in the way that most people would. He'd felt a lack of blood flow, the whir of quiet mechanics, but aside from that, Bucky was just a man sitting in front of him, unburdening himself.]

I think you've been trying to fit with the wrong people. Not everyone can date someone with history and baggage. Besides- [Matt sipped his drink again, then licked his lips and smiled.] -I'm asking because I'd like to know.

( the arm was what they talked about most, when people talked about the winter soldier. that and the jokes about his having a robodick that he never had or will have. )

I was looking for any people, really. But. That's true, too, I guess. What. What do you wanna know?

[Matt's answer was easy, and paired with another smile.]

What do you feel comfortable telling me?

[He was a lawyer, Bucky. He verbally sparred for a living.]

( the smile disarmed, and there wasn't any way matt didn't know that, didn't know how to wield it. but even realizing, bucky decided there was little reason to question. if matt had sinister motives, he'd have realized already. also matt wasn't the sort anyway, from what he knew. )

Most things are fine. It's harder to say what's okay than what isn't. But if anyone asks, I usually tell them. ( his answers were honest, too. people just didn't believe him. ) People just don't usually ask, so. So I also don't know what I should say.

[Matt did not, in fact, know of just how susceptible people were to his smile. He just... smiled. Practicing and honing looks in the mirror weren't exactly something he could do. He was lucky his hair was in order most of the time.]

Well, how about we start with what you're looking for in a partner. Women only, or would you be... amenable to dating a man?

( a mild confusion crossed his face, though he of course realized matt couldn't see it. his voice shifted to match regardless. )

I've only dated women. People do both? Don't people usually just pick one?

( good going with that bi erasure, barnes. )

[He couldn't quite keep the laugh to himself, shaking his head.]

I guess you've never heard the term 'bisexual'? No, Bucky, you don't have to pick just one. Not if you are attracted to both. But only if you're attracted to both. Don't let anyone pressure you otherwise.

( to be fair, he'd heard it in passing once or twice, not really knowing what it meant or bothering to understand why people were talking about it. but even being bright, bucky was certainly still quite dense at times. )

I. Well, no, I wouldn't. I don't think anyone could make me do anything I don't actually want to. ( since he had zero (proverbial) fucks left. ) How would I know, though? I mean. I never. Guys can be attractive, but I never thought about being with one before.

Not like I really could, I guess, without people making life hard.

( which was probably why he never actually thought about it. )

[This could end badly or it could end on a good note, but Matt decided that it was better to put his cards out there. Leaning in a little more, he slid the hand on the bar along it until he lightly ran a finger over Bucky's before he drew it back.]

Maybe you should think about it.

[Oh, he could, Bucky. He could a lot. In a variety of ways. On silk sheets.]

( he watched quizzically, as matt's hand slid over, unclear on his intent until—

suddenly, all the dots connected, why matt invited him out, the things matt had been saying about his voice, his scent, matt literally having asked, and he'd somehow missed all of it. his right hand flew to his mouth both in shock at the realization and feeling absolutely foolish for how long it took him to actually realize. )

Jesus Christ, ( he muttered under his breath angrily at himself. ) God, sorry, I didn't. Fuck, I'm an idiot.

( his head dipped forward in shame, forehead to the surface of the bar, as his hands folded against the back of his head in attempt to bury the bashful heat now blooming against his cheeks and ears. at least matt couldn't really see any of it that he knew of. )

[See it? Nooooo. Hear the blood rushing to the surface of his skin and notice the increase in his temperature? Hell yes. He was trying so hard not to laugh, biting his lip as he sat there, head tipped like a dog's listening for something.]

No, you're not. You've just had a lot on your mind and have a lot to adjust to with your... newfound freedom in a time period you weren't brought into the same way others from your period were. You didn't grow into it. You missed the end of the war, Woodstock, the sexual revolution and mini skirts, the advance of technology...

It's a lot to catch up on and that's not even taking your own personal position into consideration. You're not an idiot, Bucky. You're just overwhelmed. I think- I think maybe people expect you to be more up to speed with everything because of how well Steve adapted. And because you're capable in every other aspect. They don't see the stumbling blocks you have to get over.

[Daring it again, and because it was less flirting and more comforting, Matt reached over and patted Bucky's shoulder.]

It's okay to take your time to adjust.

( with his physiology as well, his body already ran hotter than most, so the spike in both pulse and heat would be phenomenal. remaining curled in defeat, bucky only groaned as matt explained away his own stupidity with logic. it didn't help to be forgiven so easily. he should really have noticed sooner, even if not understood. )

It's. Different. The things we got used to quickly. ( his words remained muffled by his position, but he felt no need to move, particularly with matt's hand against his shoulder. ) HYDRA already had me up to speed with tech, so. A lot of. Modern things were just. Part of who I was already. But I didn't. I guess I never. Steve always was better with ideas and concepts. Liberal arts, or whatever. I'm the science nut, so.

( sighing, his shoulders sank with his resignation, the soldier pulling away to sit upright again after a rough scrub of his gloves to his face. )

It's still weird sometimes seeing women in short shorts. Or seeing anyone's thighs in public.

God, I'm. Old. Don't date me. You need someone younger.

bad rap

how to play:

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wow this got serious so fast i'm sorry

no you're not, you drama slut. (I'm here for it)

8') it's okay matt keep flirting he'll notice eventually......probably

Bucky... /cry

it's not his fault he never questioned his interests!! no one explained bi to him!!

he's gonna get hit on by a bi blind lawyer. let him feel your..... face, Bucky.

sure, he hears that helps blind people uwu

Look at him being so selfless and... that's not your face, Bucky.

LMAO god he'd die of embarrassment if he ever tried that on anyone

Matt will catch him if he swoons. He's got you, bro. /carries him off

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