aita?

[insertusername]

am i the asshole?

Life isn’t always black and white. Sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s really at fault, and no one wants to believe they’re the bad guy. Sometimes you need an outside opinion. Or several.

Tell your side of the story and crowdsource an honest answer to the age old question; Am I The Asshole?

Top Level

with your character explaining a situation where they might have been the asshole.

Comment

with your hot takes. Anon or IC.

Comments

The Monarch | Venture Brothers

[the_mighty_monarch]

Honestly? You better believe it. And I do it right. None of this passive-aggressive crap, I go straight to aggressive.

You want an honest story? I hate Thaddeus Venture. I have made every day of his so-called life a living hell for years, just because I could. And in style, homies. Mighty Flying Cocoon style.

[He pauses, holding up pamphlets.]

And know what? You can, too. If you sign up for the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Now with a ten percent discount for first-timers, and a shiny pen and mug set.

[His wife asked. Ultimately, he can never say no to her.]

[stuporscience]

I mean... let's be honest, "living hell" is a bit generous...

But you did kidnap me and Hank a lot, so yeah, I'd say that puts you on the list.

Also, did you seriously just use, "homies"?

[the_mighty_monarch]

[He sighed, theatrically.]

Dean, Dean, Dean - you don't have to pretend. There's barely a day in your father's life I didn't at least attempt to [CENSORED] up. I mean, at least when Underbite wasn't half-assing his way into things.

Honestly, guy had a whole [CENSORED] country and he couldn't appear as anything other than a weenus.

And listen, Sweatervest, you don't get to call me out on language - I've been around too long for the Dean Venture Happy Frolics show.

[stuporscience]

Didn't our lawn like, kill like a bunch of your guys at one point? Just saying.

And -- hey! You were saying all kinds of awful stuff when we were still kids! Besides, you're like... old. You should know better. And also it's weird to hear you use words like that.

[the_mighty_monarch]

Yeah, so? Those are henchmen. Not like I was the one cleaning up the bodies. Your lawn was probably more blood, bone fragments and viscera than grass and dirt thanks to me. Have fun with that one.

Oh, for the love of...everybody looks old when you're the biggest sheltered teen outside of a [CENSORED] museum display.

[beheaded]

While I have no intention of joining your guild, I must commend you for your dedication. As someone who also refuses to entertain passive-aggression, I can only hope to achieve your level of pettiness someday.

[ it probably doesn't sound like a compliment but it honestly is,, ]

[the_mighty_monarch]

[With the shop talk they tended to have in the Guild? You'd be surprised.]

Heeeey, thanks for that. You're all right, pal. And I am already there, you would not believe. I'm at the pissing on his dreams and taking a dump in his pool levels.

Man it feels good.

[rust4life]

You're here bragging about being a prick and using this super-obvious confession to try and recruit more budding psychopaths and costumed crazies?


This is just sad.

[the_mighty_monarch]

Something you'd know all about, dick.

And it's called a personal touch, genius. Some of us have an appreciation for social skills beyond just being desperate on a dating site.

[rust4life]

You can't be serious. Well, I have no doubt you're great at attracting the kind of crazy you're after.

Why are you hustling for The Guild so pathetically hard, anyway? Are you clowns hemorrhaging goons that badly or something?

[the_mighty_monarch]

Because my wife asked me nicely and you don't say no to that?

New day, new guild, and all that bullshit. Lotta talent out there to be picked up, or whatever.

[rust4life]

Oh, well, that's... Fair enough, I suppose. What baby wants, baby gets...!

I thought you were done with this kinda crap, though? At least maybe change your approach a bit you don't look like you're so hard up for fresh fish. And as flattering as it is to get a name-drop, you can leave me out of your headhunting endeavors.

[the_mighty_monarch]

Ugh. God, you make a simple favor sound so...ugh. Like a 70s lounge lizard who the venereal diseases somehow didn't kill.

[He does try to stifle a laugh on the last.]

Oh, yeah, yeah, we'll cross you out of the brochure. It'll be a real hard move, but gotta do what we have to.

Re: The Monarch | Venture Brothers

[hillbillyboy]

...

[Do they have dental?]

[the_mighty_monarch]

[It's in the pamphlet. Short answer? Shit yes, do they ever. Want steel teeth? Covered? Gold smile your thing? Bring the gold, you're good. Shearing jaw things? Whatever, crazy.]

[hillbillyboy]

[Consider him intrigued- his own employers only policy is 'torture people or be tortured' and honestly? Not really great. Also doesn't allow unions, which kinda sucks.

Always room out there for horror show villains.]

[the_mighty_monarch]

[Well, he hands over a pamphlet, then. They kind of are their own union, really.]

So, uh, hey there...guy.

[hillbillyboy]

Howdy.

[He can't read for shit but, man, this pamphlet tastes amazing.]

[the_mighty_monarch]

[You'd think that'd be a more surprising sight, but in this job? It just produces a sort of sigh.]

Well that answers a few questions right off. [He rubs at the bridge of his nose.]

[justkind]

You're spending an awful lot of your time on someone you hate.

[the_mighty_monarch]

Yep! And it's goddamn great, lemme tell ya.

[He starts listing things on his fingers.]

Get to wear a kick-ass crown, lots of time to evilly plot, these wings work because my wife is a [CENSORED] genius...it's a damn good life.

Oh, and I get to piss in the punchbowl of the biggest jackass you've ever met, so.

[justkind]

[ You know what, a lot of this is fair. However!! ]

You realise you can wear a crown regardless.

Your wife approves of the vendetta, then? Doesn't think you could fly around for anything more productive?

[the_mighty_monarch]

Look, you wear a crown around outside of my job, people look at you funny.

And are you kidding me? She used to be my Number Two! Then we were partners in the game and, now? She runs the entire idiot circus upstairs.

[justkind]

The trick there is not caring.

Ah, the sort of Number Two who's actually more clever than you are. [ There isn't a hint of actual mockery in his voice; his grin is downright conspiratorial. ]

[the_mighty_monarch]

Y'know, I used to be weird about that? But mainly the 'promoted past me' part - but whatever, that's the past and all - and I got no problem admitting she's waaaay smarter than me at a whole bunch of stuff.